The greatest business card known to humankind

In the 80s, they said the business card was the window to the soul. Although times have changed, we still have a vehicle to tell us what someone’s truly all about (the Twitter feed).

Seven letters put to good use.

But despite advances in technology, there is something to be said for the tools of yesterday; a lonely TV/VCR combo I recently threw away; the record player that increases my cool-points by 4%; an address book that lives in a drawer, not on a laptop or a smartphone.

The part of me that refuses to buy an e-reader will always appreciate a fine paper good. So I had to share the business card that my brother recently obtained at a show from comedienne Rose Surnow.

Clearly, this is a woman who gets it.

Bed bugs run rampant, fear of furniture rises

Remember being told, “goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite?” It was a popular phrase amongst youngsters donning footie pajamas as their caretakers tucked them in with a lullaby and a kiss.

"Free Couch (bug-free)"

But ever since New York Magazine crowned bed bugs “the new STD,” no one is safe from the critters that seek refuge in warm, soft fabrics, wood surfaces and human flesh.

In a city where old mattresses and other housewares of the plush variety often line the sidewalks, more and more I find myself going to great lengths to avoid being within eight inches of said displays. The intricate zigging and zagging on the streets has become the new dance of local pedestrians. We can’t take the chance that one of those tiny parasites will proceed to leap onto our sweaters and make a meal out of us when we give in to REM sleep.

In order to accommodate eager dumpster divers street shoppers, those looking to free-cycle or unload their most precious possessions have had to get crafty in their marketing.

Take note of the couch that I was tempted to take (pictured above) after I read the fine print, indicating that it was, in fact, bug-free. But let’s weigh our options here: stick with Karlstaad, my trusty, half broken IKEA couch; or invest in this free gem that could require my apartment to be quarantined while my face explodes into a minefield of red bites. Survey says: sub-par Swedish furniture!

It’s the little things.

One of my dearest friends in California has quite the discernible eye. As texted to me: the side of an old screen door.

I made it halfway through the VMAs

MTV has always been a reliable barometer of how old I am getting. With each passing year, my exposure to and understanding of the network plummets a little further. However, now that I have Friends With Cable, the world of mindless television is my oyster. Thus, last night I watched (some of) the MTV Video Music Awards for the first time since either high school or never — I can’t recall exactly. Must be my aging brain.

It’s not all that much of a stretch to watch the VMAs, being that I love music and shiny things. And I will dance to any tune with a beat, so I may or may not have been familiar with some of the nominees. After sitting through more than an hour of Katy Perry being not-funny, some strange hipster mouse DJ, and Usher dancing on a neon-laser set evoking my grade-school picture background, I had some thoughts.

Taylor Swift should invest in Auto-tune

Now that live singing is almost extinct and getting a little help from your sound engineer friends is the status quo, there’s no excuse for not hitting the notes. She seems lovely, and I’d rather the children listen to her than Katy Perry any day of the week; but Swift is lacking in the vocal department.

Drake, Swizz Beatz, and Mary J. Blige were not on a Degrassi reunion together

Canada successfully pawned Drake off on the U.S. We gladly took him and said, “we love you, Jimmy. Now break out of your teen stardom by releasing offensive videos and perform with people more famous than you who are not from Canada.”

Jared Leto’s band is legit?

Since MTV’s target demographic is too young to attach significance to the name “Jordan Catalano,” perhaps kids are able to not laugh at the concept that 30 Seconds to Mars is a band. Leto should probably stick to Aronofsky films or transform into a mat-oor actor and play Zac Efron’s dad.

Equality is so in right now

Three cheers for Lady Gaga for bringing a group of former service members who were forced to leave the military because of their sexual orientations.

Everyone takes themselves way too seriously whilst accepting VMAs

We all know that the VMAs is really just one long, promotional bit for MTV and the six most popular artists of the moment. So I propose that starting next year, acceptance speeches are limited to 140 characters or less. Kids born after 1998 go into automatic brain malfunction once their minds ingest that 141^st character, anyway.

They let Kanye back this year?

Unfortunately, I didn’t last long enough to see Kanye perform his new song, but based on his Twitter feed and common knowledge, I’m sure he thinks he did great.

One of these things does not belong here: Florence and the Machine

If you aren’t convinced that Florence is the best popular act in music right now, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and go straight to the Cosmic Love video. Besides Swift, she was probably the only performer present who actually sings music when she performs. It’s odd that she was lumped in with the likes of Ke$ha, but at least the children are being exposed to two talented, ginger musicians (see also: La Roux).

Somebody who loves me went to the VMAs and I all got was Bieber Fever

I love this kid. I can’t tell you a single one of his songs (ok, maybe that one where he says “baby, baby, baby” a lot), but watching him sass Chelsea Handler on her show is one of my favorite YouTube clips of 2010. Last night, he did a dance with some other small children on MTV’s outdoor stage and didn’t even try to pretend he was singing. But the gaggle of screaming girls, most of whom were twice his size, couldn’t have cared less. And neither could I. But then again, I’m getting old.

On today’s edition of “Snubbed by the Oscars” – Zac Efron

Zac Efron has lots of thoughts and feelings.

Movies that speak to my soul are few and far between. I remember the credits rolling after Requiem for a Dream ended. There were three of us on the floor of my dorm room in 2001. No one said a word for at least 3 minutes, which is the equivalent of at least 17 minutes in a room of non-journalism majors. Instead, my friends sat silently with their jaws on the ground as I curled up in a ball and questioned my hollow existence.

It’s kind of like the other day when Zac Efron effortlessly graced the living-room screen and I added 17 Again to my list of Best Movies Ever, in between Annie Hall and Footloose.

[Author's note: Wikipedia tells me that Zac Efron was born in October 1987, and my calculator tells me that this makes him almost 23. Therefore, it's totally legal for me to discuss our relationship publicly. But our love has nothing to do with the fact that I'm endorsing his cinematic masterpiece 1.5 years after the fact. I really just think it's that good.]

For those of you who have yet to be enlightened, Zac Efron is the dreamiest boy in all of the land. 17 Again is a really deep movie about a father (Matthew Perry) who is failing at life and wishes he could do it all over again; his wife wants to leave him and his kids are indifferent to his existence. Yet as we learned in Big, if you wish something out loud in Hollywood or on a fortune-teller game on the boardwalk, it will come true. (Oh, yeah, I can’t remember any of the characters, so I just refer to them by their government names.)

Never mind the fact that we, the audience members, are asked to suspend our disbelief and buy the fact that Zac Efron grew up to be Matthew Perry. Here he is at 17, making his wife (Leslie Mann, real-life wife to Judd Apatow – win!) really confused. When Leslie sees 17-year old Zac for the first time, she does a double take and is all like, “What are all these feelings I’m feeling, y’all?” But it’s totally not creepy because only LOOKS 17 and HIS SOUL is like, 37.

So Zac is determined to right all of his wrongs by enrolling in high school with his children. Meanwhile, Zac’s wifey goes on a date with some dude who’s not as good-looking as Zac Efron, and blah blah blah, which leads us to the climax of the movie, THE COURTROOM.

Here we find Leslie Mann realizing that Zac Efron MIGHT IN FACT BE her husband put through a time warp.  Not to spoil the movie or anything, but when he reads the letter and gets teary-eyed and they play Cat Power and the world moves in slow motion – whoa. That is deep like the ocean. (An ocean of Zac Efron’s tears?)

When Zac Efron emotes, I emote. I smell Oscar-potential on that kid. Thank goodness he’ll get another chance with Charlie St. Cloud. Fingers crossed!

Quotable Quotes

“If you don’t know me, I am SO FUNNY. Just imagine meeting me.” -Anonymous*

“You should blog that.” -My roommate

*It was me.

Verb verb verb: A look at narrative discourse in reviews of “Eat Pray Love”

What do you mean gelato isn't vegan?!?

Considering the fact that its title incorporates two of my favorite pastimes,  Eat Pray Love is deceptively awesome. No, I did not go see the movie, and yes, I feel completely comfortable reviewing it. Or at least pulling together my favorite snippets of reviews from major publications spanning the continent.

Based on the following pieces of information, presented backwards in order of eloquence, I give the movie a solid C+. This weighs heavily on the presumption that reading the reviews is more entertaining than sitting through 140 minutes of Julia Roberts having first-world problems in various parts of the world. My comments appear in bold.

New York Magazine – “Julia Roberts downs a lot of carbs and has an epiphany. There, we’ve saved you twelve bucks.”

Bravo to you, NYM! I can now take the best $12 I never spent and invest in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Limited Edition Pog Set that can pass as an antique in another 100 years.

NBC New York – “‘Eat Pray Love’ is a slow-moving, over-long film adaptation of a self-help book whose cure for misery is completely unattainable to 99% of the people on Earth.”

Wait, that isn’t the point?

San Francisco Chronicle – “About two-thirds into the film – probably during one of the hundred or so times someone tells our heroine that she should open up to love – my mind shut off. When it switched back on a minute later, I didn’t know the day or time, or where I was or what movie was onscreen.”

But she can‘t open up to love! DUH!

Washington Post – “Anyone bringing Elizabeth Gilbert’s blockbuster memoir of self-discovery, “Eat Pray Love,” to the screen has a huge challenge before him: How to overcome the book’s episodic, anecdotal structure and penchant for aphorism, to create a dynamic narrative? Even more daunting, how does one dramatize what is essentially an interior journey?”

I have two higher education degrees from two different state schools, and I had to read this three times before deciding that it means absolutely nothing.

LA Times – “If there is one constant in “Eat Pray Love,” the imperfect yet beautifully rendered adaptation of Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir on a year of heartbreak and healing starring Julia Roberts — it is this: There will be tears.

“Happy tears, sad tears, tears of relief, tears of regret, gut-wrenching sobs, really almost any variation imaginable…”

My womb just exploded.

Boston Herald - “Sleep Play Dead Self-Medicate. If you’re a man, do whatever it takes to get through the tedious, endless ‘Eat Pray Love,’ an adaptation of the 2006 best-selling memoir of the same (albeit with commas) title.

“Better yet, if you’re a man, stay away.”

Well. Thanks for insulting my intelligence and making the assumption that I won’t immediately hate this movie based on my gender identification. I’m not into labels or anything, but come on, dude – you use the term “Chatty Cathy” later in your review. 1953 called. It wants its colloquialisms back.

Seattle Times – “(Her best moment of chemistry in the film isn’t with any of the actors, but with an elephant.)”

Whatever works, sweet Julia.